THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TITLEIST

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~ Grantland Rice 

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~ John Updike 

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~ Robert Lynd 

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~ Horace G. Hutchinson  

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson 

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. ~ Sam Snead  

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~ William Wordsworth 

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. ~ Dean Martin 

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~ Tommy Bolt 

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. ~ Bishop Sheen 

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Arnold Palmer 

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. ~ Chris Codiroli 

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~ Pete Dye 

14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~ Buddy Hackett 

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. ~ Billy Graham 

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon 

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain 

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~ Harry Vardon 

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. ~ Jimmy DeMaret 

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. ~ Ben Hogan 

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. ~ All Us Hackers 

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. ~ George Deukmejian 

AND FINALLY…………… 

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~ Lee Trevino